Faith. Power. Love.

My journey has started, I am doing a ok. It has been rough since thursday getting a shot to protect my future children even though its a 50 to 50 chance of it working. I have faith. I went to the hospital on friday early in the morning. It took 7 and a half hours the chemo. It took forever! but the day after I feel weak but I didn't vomit and I am going to make it. I know God has me. I know God is good no matter the circumstances. I know lupus isn't well known. Its been a long journey of 9 years of my life. Its been rough, but honestly God is the one who has helped me get through these 9 years of my life. My God will never fail me, even during those times when I get bad news at the doctor it gets discouraging but I need to remind myself that God has me in the palm of His hands. I may never understand fully why this happened to me but I know the outcome will be good even though I don't see it now. I know in the end God will show me.

*If anyone wants an update on how I am doing I have a care page site. :http://www.carepages.com/dashboard

Trust.

Thinking about where to start, so much going on. I am hear thinking about my relationship with God, how can this situation be used for His glory let me decrease. I know I can be consumed with myself and wonder and fear what is next but I am trying so hard to trust, listen and sit still but it is very hard when your mind is constantly thinking and worrying about everything; my future, children, will this last option work, how will my body response to all of this? Then again I really wish I didn't have to hold off school. I wish I could start my junior year and keep going but sometimes life brings you surprises and I want to be strong in all of this. Honestly I have people telling me I am so strong but I feel very weak, where I don't want to do this anymore. I am afraid of everything, but then again like I said I want and need to trust, listen and sit still. I am supposed to start my first round of chemo this friday but right it doesn't seem like I am because of this new medication, but I really want everything to start already I want to face this fear and get it over and done with. Yesterday I cut off my hair because it will easier when I lose it, the doctor said I will lose my hair 2 to 3 treatment I have about a month left until its gone. Also this all hasn't hit me yet with everything going on I think I am still in shock mode. I am supposed to be in school, not in this situation but like I said life brings you surprises. Just because I have to do this doesn't mean God doesn't love me, I need to remind myself often about God's love for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,who forgives all your iniquity,who heals all your diseases-Psalm 103:2-3

Give Me Faith

When we are walking with God, we don't ask God to make our walk easy, it will never be easy. Our relationship with God should be challenging, rough, suffering and ready to face anything that comes our way. It is scary to enter into this new chapter in my life, I am afraid but I want to go into this chapter with faith and not fear. I didn't see this coming but I know in this new chapter of hardship I know God will give me the strength to endure. I don't know what is going to happen but I know God has a plan for my life, it is good. I don't see any good in doing chemotherapy but I know God has something good in the outcome of this. This next chapter, I didn't see it coming, I am still in the shock mode but I need peace, peace like a river. That God will take me by my hand and lead me to the place where He wants me to be. I told God I don't have time to do chemotherapy, but sometimes I need to go through a season of testing and tribulations to build my faith. I know God hasn't given me a spirit of fear but of love and a sound mind. I didn't ask God to make my life easy but to make me strong. Overall, I need more faith. I am very weak but I know God is my strength. Through all of this I pray that God will be glorified. I will decrease He will increase, going through this I don't want people to see me but to see God.

One step at a time?

How I thank God for Joshua. He is the love of my life. But there is a fear that is dangling above me one word, engagement. I don't feel ready. I want to keep dating. I know the talk of marriage is beautiful, but I want to get know him better we have been dating for 8 months. But am I getting to ahead of God? Let me take a step back and see the work of God. There is more he is going to be in our relationship. Bigger then what we can think or image. Allow God to move, breathe into that relationship. Allow myself to get caught up in God rather then the circumstances. I love God and Joshua. How my love for Joshua can go beyond my love for God. How I can't allow myself to get wrapped up in other thing, but allow myself to get wrapped up in God.

Journey with FAITH

I honestly don't know where to start. This endless journey I have been on is all about faith. I am amazed everyday about Gods faithfulness, love, and mercy He has towards me. When I wake up in the morning all I want to do is spend time with HIM; reading, praying and worshiping. God is my number one in my life. I have been through so much this past year and I have been thinking these past weeks where would I be if I didnt have Christ? What kind of person would I be? I am thankful God is using this hard time in my life for HIS glory. I just want God's glory to be shown. It amazes me how God works. How HE always knows best. Even on those day when I feel like everything is crumbling around me and I want to do nothing. God always see the bigger picture, thats when I pray God increase my faith.

How God has build up character in me of faith, hope and preservance. Yes, I BELIEVE God will heal me. I know that day is coming soon. Healing comes closer each day. I am overwhemled with the love of God. I almost died a few times in my life from this horrible sickness, but God protected me . God is using me. It is scary for me to face new chanllenges some days but on those days I need to press on. Having that will to fight and never giving up. Keep praying and praying until God does something huge; a break through.

I am going back to school in august if I knew I was going to go back to school in January I would of laughed and said no way. But God always knows best. The docotors dont understand how I am doing so well when I was just servely sick. But its because Jesus loves me and has huge plans for me. I am excited for the journey and I will be excited for the new journey; journey of complete healing.