Faith. Power. Love.

My journey has started, I am doing a ok. It has been rough since thursday getting a shot to protect my future children even though its a 50 to 50 chance of it working. I have faith. I went to the hospital on friday early in the morning. It took 7 and a half hours the chemo. It took forever! but the day after I feel weak but I didn't vomit and I am going to make it. I know God has me. I know God is good no matter the circumstances. I know lupus isn't well known. Its been a long journey of 9 years of my life. Its been rough, but honestly God is the one who has helped me get through these 9 years of my life. My God will never fail me, even during those times when I get bad news at the doctor it gets discouraging but I need to remind myself that God has me in the palm of His hands. I may never understand fully why this happened to me but I know the outcome will be good even though I don't see it now. I know in the end God will show me.

*If anyone wants an update on how I am doing I have a care page site. :http://www.carepages.com/dashboard

Trust.

Thinking about where to start, so much going on. I am hear thinking about my relationship with God, how can this situation be used for His glory let me decrease. I know I can be consumed with myself and wonder and fear what is next but I am trying so hard to trust, listen and sit still but it is very hard when your mind is constantly thinking and worrying about everything; my future, children, will this last option work, how will my body response to all of this? Then again I really wish I didn't have to hold off school. I wish I could start my junior year and keep going but sometimes life brings you surprises and I want to be strong in all of this. Honestly I have people telling me I am so strong but I feel very weak, where I don't want to do this anymore. I am afraid of everything, but then again like I said I want and need to trust, listen and sit still. I am supposed to start my first round of chemo this friday but right it doesn't seem like I am because of this new medication, but I really want everything to start already I want to face this fear and get it over and done with. Yesterday I cut off my hair because it will easier when I lose it, the doctor said I will lose my hair 2 to 3 treatment I have about a month left until its gone. Also this all hasn't hit me yet with everything going on I think I am still in shock mode. I am supposed to be in school, not in this situation but like I said life brings you surprises. Just because I have to do this doesn't mean God doesn't love me, I need to remind myself often about God's love for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,who forgives all your iniquity,who heals all your diseases-Psalm 103:2-3