Trust.

Thinking about where to start, so much going on. I am hear thinking about my relationship with God, how can this situation be used for His glory let me decrease. I know I can be consumed with myself and wonder and fear what is next but I am trying so hard to trust, listen and sit still but it is very hard when your mind is constantly thinking and worrying about everything; my future, children, will this last option work, how will my body response to all of this? Then again I really wish I didn't have to hold off school. I wish I could start my junior year and keep going but sometimes life brings you surprises and I want to be strong in all of this. Honestly I have people telling me I am so strong but I feel very weak, where I don't want to do this anymore. I am afraid of everything, but then again like I said I want and need to trust, listen and sit still. I am supposed to start my first round of chemo this friday but right it doesn't seem like I am because of this new medication, but I really want everything to start already I want to face this fear and get it over and done with. Yesterday I cut off my hair because it will easier when I lose it, the doctor said I will lose my hair 2 to 3 treatment I have about a month left until its gone. Also this all hasn't hit me yet with everything going on I think I am still in shock mode. I am supposed to be in school, not in this situation but like I said life brings you surprises. Just because I have to do this doesn't mean God doesn't love me, I need to remind myself often about God's love for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,who forgives all your iniquity,who heals all your diseases-Psalm 103:2-3